Poker Pet Peeves

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that poker players are the most obnoxious species of humankind on this dear planet.  Don’t worry, I can speak disparagingly about poker players because: a) they are not a protected class and b) I am one (a poker player that is, not a protected class).  My point: one of the most exasperation-inducing characteristics of poker players is their seemingly uniform short memories, but that’s just the beginning.  There are so very many ridiculous things they say that manifest the obnoxiousness of which I speak.  Such statements are like nails on a chalkboard to me, and now I vent:

1)  “One time“ – poker players say this when they’re all-in and need to hit a card in order to survive.  “One time”? really?  You only want to win this ONE hand for the duration of your poker career.  Often, people say the phrase “one time” several times in one tournament, let alone in one lifetime.  It also bothers me because saying “one time” is equivalent to imploring god to help you out just this one time, because you’re so virtuous and genuinely deserve to hit a card.  AS IF any poker player is virtuous.  In my opinion “god,” if it exists, could not care less who wins a poker hand.  And don’t even get me started on people who thank jesus or alla or buddah or yahweh after they win.  Sigh.

2) “If I could just see your hole cards.”  No shit.  Then there would be no game.  I mean, sure, that thought may cross our minds as the most obvious way to ensure a win, but why say this outloud?  To me it demonstrates not only that you’re completely clueless as to what to do in this situation, but that you’re also clueless as to the POINT OF THE GAME, which is to be able to extrapolate from prior action, body language, etc., what you’re up against. 

3) “Oh, it’s on me?”  Hello?  You’re playing poker!  You’re sitting at a table, with ONE JOB – to act when it is your turn.  It’s very little responsibility.  Please, try to follow.

4) “How can you call with that?” Again, something we all silently ponder, and often, but there are two issues I take with saying this outloud: 1) when a person makes this statement and she is ahead and it’s a truly bad call, she is alerting the other player to his or her general inferiority and specific mistake.  Why give him this information?  You WANT people to make bad calls against you.  Isn’t that the point?  Getting into positions where you’re the mathematical favorite to win?  (I know, I know. When you’re snakebit you basically never want anyone to call you, even when you are ahead because you know that 2 outer will come for them, leaving you in shock.  But this all evens out.  Allegedly.)  2) when a person makes this statement and she is NOT ahead, but was, in actuality, trying a bluff that failed, well then she’s just an asshole. 

I realize this post kind of makes me sound like a bitch.  I believe I just need a game.  Feel free to alert me of games in Brooklyn, hold’em and otherwise.

Random Bits of Lovely…Cont’d

4.  It has been quite a many days since I found a random bit of lovely (thank you the man), but here is one for those of us who love words and love to think about words: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Types_of_words.  My friend pointed me to this page when I was trying to figure out a word to express the idea of a word that sounds like its meaning.  And NO, I do not mean onomatopoeia.  I have known what onomatopoeia means since 6th grade when Mr. Dadant (my 6th grade teacher) explained that it was his favorite word (he also said he was forever haunted by the number 108, and because of that I am forever haunted by it as well AND one time he grabbed my tongue between his thumb and index finger and for hours my mouth tasted like chalk).  But as I was saying, I love the word “moxie” and I think the word “moxie” sounds like it has a lot of moxie.  Lo and behold, I am not alone in ruminating over such things because I googled upon my identical blog-post twin.  Damn it’s lovely to know you’re not alone in your eccentricities.

In New York City, It’s Hard to Tell…

If a person is crazy or just talking on their Bluetooth.

If it’s day time or night time (if you’re in Times Square…or if you’re stuck in your windowless office all day).

If someone is wearing a Halloween costume, or if that’s just their regular clothing.

Random bits of lovely

Inspired by the title of my maiden post, I have decided to compile a random list of things I love that I think more people should love/know about/use more.

1. Petula Clark (who f. Your i. I saw in a terrible touring production of Blood Brothers in 8th or 9th grade, which would have been a total waste but was made worthwhile after I got dared to french the drama teacher’s son on the bus on the way home).

2. Using the word “french” as a verb in place of french kiss, as in “ew, they’re totally frenching,” or “so, did you french him or just let him feel you up?”

3. The “official” names for groups of animals.  Some of my favorites: a shrewdness of apes, a sleuth of bears, an obstinancy of buffalo, a rabble of butterflies, a flock of camels, a coalition of cheetahs, a convocation of eagles, a business of ferrets, a giraffe corps, a cartload of monkeys (I guess barrel isn’t the scientific term), a mischief of mice, a parliament of owls, an ostentation of peafowl (including both peacocks and peahen),  a coterie of prairie dogs, an unkindness of ravens, a trout hoover.

I particularly appreciate the names that make the animals sound as if they are conniving or working toward a common animal goal: “I’m going to join the Cheetah Coalition,” “next year, I’m volunteering for the Giraffe Corps.”  Maybe I’m the only person who finds this interesting…but I’m writing the blog, so I’m the only person who matters!

More to come…

Don’t Sleep in the Subway, Darling.

Things I Love About the Subway

Young riders who give up their seats to older passengers.

Watching relief wash over people as they barely catch their train.

Crossing the Manhattan Bridge from Brooklyn to Manhattan (and vice versa) and seeing the sun shine off the water.

Running alongside other trains and watching the people in the windows as if they were actors in old silent movies or really old film strips.

Little kids reading chapter books.

Express trains!

The N Train. Amen.

The electronic panel that lists stops, showing where that particular train stops and when, so that country bumpkins who are new to the city don’t have to wonder if they’re on the right train…

The Rockefeller Concourse on rainy days and in the winter.

Smilers.

People who are not so afraid of making eye contact that they never acknowledge there are people surrounding them.

Men with handlebar mustaches.

People talking Left Wing politics.

Leaving the subway, walking up the stairs…and into the WORLD!

Things I Hate About the Subway

People who do not wait for others to exit the train before they push their way on.

The stench of urine that smacks you when the doors open to the platform.

The schizophrenic climate changes from outside, to inside on the platform, to inside on the train and back again.

Young riders who do NOT give up their seats for older passengers.

Litter bugs and their nasty ass trash.

Old fat men in wife beaters with enormous plastic eyeglass frames circa 1987 who give you the evil eye (no one in particular…).

Walking underground while transferring at Atlantic.

Not realizing it is five flights of stairs up to ground level when you decide to skip the escalator at 53rd and Lex.

Gawkers.

Oglers.

People who are not afraid enough about making eye contact and thus make you afraid of them.